Saturday, March 19, 2011

Living a Life in Pieces: The Inner Child Struggling with the Troubled Adult-Self

Excerpt from my autobiography as an adult survivor of child abuse.

It happens quietly inside where no one can see it, yes silently. Over time the wholeness cracks and separate pieces become more and more noticeable. The attempts at band-aids work for a while and then fail, requiring an alternate repair. Meanwhile life goes on...

As a 50 year old patched together woman, I have quiet little wishes and plans for my future that I fear may not occur. Those little wishes and plans held me together and provided me hope and a focus through the depression of Winter. This Winter in particular was bad for me on many levels and my mental anguish at times was acute to the point of wishing it could be dulled in a flash.

Funny thing about being an adult. We all go through life acting normal, trying to be normal (whatever normal is). However, I never felt like I was 'normal'. Me as a wallflower was a protective mechanism to blend into the walls, to avoid attention. Attention meant the very real possibility of abuse. I am an adult survivor of abuse, and I have spent a life trying to piece together a whole person that felt worthy enough (to myself) to warrant life. I learned to cry quietly where no one could hear, 'Silent Tears.'

Fast forward to my life as an adult and I feel like my life has not been entirely of my own making. So yeah, life stressors can lead to depression. If one is prone to depression (Winter doesn't help) and you add LOTS of different stressors, BAM!!!!! I acknowledge that I have not fully recovered from the death of my mother five years ago, nor the loss of my mother-in-law five years ago. The result of both severing my only female confidants. Once that resource is gone, life becomes an empty void with no close female support mechanisms. ASIDE: numerous attempts to build and nurture female relationships in hopes of re-connecting with another female for a symbiotic/supportive relationship has failed.

At this moment I stand on a precipice, ready to step off the edge.

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