A Journey to Reunion - My Birth Daughter's Adoption & Our Connection Now

Twenty-three years ago (when I was engaged to be married) I found out that I was pregnant. When I told my fiancé he seemed to be okay with the surprise of my pregnancy. However, by the time I was about 7 months pregnant, he stopped coming home (I didn’t know that he had moved in with another woman) leaving me alone.

As my pregnancy progressed I marveled at the wonder of the life growing inside of me, sure in my dream of a future family (between myself, my future husband, and our child that I carried). When I was presented with my fiancé rejecting me and our unborn child, my head was reeling. Devastated, heart broken, and with no family or friends to support me at a very difficult time in my life…I prayed for guidance. The only thing that kept me going was the love I had for the child growing inside of me, and what would be the best for his/her future.

I decided on adoption for my baby. It was the most painful, difficult decision that I would ever make in my lifetime. I drew strength in the knowledge that I was taking active steps to ensure that my daughter would grow up in a loving, supportive family…given a much better childhood than the abusive childhood that I had known.

It was a closed adoption, but they allowed me to stay in the hospital for the first three days of my daughter’s life. I held her, feed her, talked to her, and cried for the life that I had wanted us to share together that would be denied us. I cried because my promised future life of marriage and a family had been taken from me. I told her that I loved her, and I hoped that someday we could meet. The only control I had was to stay strong with my focus of the best future for her in the midst of my own tragedy and heartbreak.

I wrote a letter for her adoptive parents to share with her when she was old enough, so she would know how much I loved and wanted her. I have since learned that she never received that letter.

When my daughter was 4 weeks old, I received packet of pictures that the foster mother was kind enough to provide. Those pictures of my daughter were framed and I have gazed upon them for the last 23 years, wondering if some day I would ever meet the daughter who indirectly saved my life.

On my daughter’s second birthday I called the adoption agency to ask them if my daughter’s eyes were still blue. I also provided them with my new last name (I had married) so that she would be able to find me in the future (if/when she was ready).

Five years later, my husband and I had a son (the last child that I would be able to conceive). My son grew up seeing the pictures of his half sister, and often wondered if we would ever hear from her, or meet her. We celebrated her birthday every year. On her 18th birthday my son asked, “Mom, do you think we’ll hear from her this year?” He asked the same when she turned 21 years of age. (Because it was a closed adoption, we had to wait for her to be of age and hope that she would seek us out).

On September 10, 2008 our dreams came true when the agency called me. They had been looking for me for a very long time, and were about to give up on ever finding me. They had a letter that my daughter had written for me. That first letter was in my hand within 48 hours, and since then we have written each other several letters (through the agency) and exchanged numerous pictures.

The weird thing is I had been thinking about my daughter and sent an email to the agency a couple of months earlier, telling them that if my daughter ever wanted to contact me…how they could reach me. They never received that email, but had called me because of my daughter’s letter…searching for me instead!

I feel so blessed at being given this opportunity to communicate with my daughter. It is a dream come true for me. For privacy purposes I will call her K.

K asked me what I wanted from this reunion and my first thought was, “I want the world of course!” But I know/knew that the progression of our reunion and how far it will go is ultimately her choice, and will take time. I have all of the love and emotions in my heart of a mother, but I gave up the right to be called her mother. I did not give up the right to love her with all of my heart because I am her birth mother and loved her with a quiet desperation for the last 23 years. I can be her friend, and an ear to listen and a shoulder when she needs one. I can hope that someday we will meet in person, only time will tell. Right now, the most important thing is that we have been given this opportunity to connect. I feel a great sense of peace in knowing that she is happy.

What’s extraordinary is that two days after receiving my first letter, she logged on to a web site where we are both members, and clicked on a familiar picture. MIRACULOUSLY the click of that mouse, took her to my profile where she and I discovered that we are members of the same web site, and never knew it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOW!

I have learned that K is a military wife and a mother of a 2 year little girl, and is pregnant with her second child (another little girl) due in early March.

I think life is amazing, and everyday I wake up and wonder if this is all a dream, until I pinch myself and realize that it is real. So very, very real. What an amazing journey indeed…No matter what the future brings, I now feel complete knowing that she's okay, and my heart can finally heal and be at peace.

Here is an excerpt of my first reply to my daughter:

“IF you had received that letter (that I wrote when you were a baby), you would have known how I felt and our reunion could have occurred earlier. How could I NOT respond in such a positive way? I LOVED my baby girl and only wanted the best for her! It broke my heart to give you up for adoption, and I kept telling myself that it was the best thing for you, and that maybe someday when you were old enough, you would come looking for me. I so wish that I could have searched for you, but with the adoption being ‘closed’ that option was not available to me.

You probably can’t tell me (too soon) but I’m curious how you ended up being raised outside of Virginia? When I was pregnant with you, I was told about the family that was adopting you, and that they lived in Virginia. All these years, I thought you and I were in the same state. I imagined that you grew up close by in your lovely home with a mom, a dad, and your big sister. Clearly, something happened when you were six years old, and I’m sad to learn that the childhood that I envisioned for you, was not what happened. You are such a sweet caring girl, to be concerned about causing me pain as you evidence with your comment, “spare you any pain that it may cause.”

K, I don’t know how to convey to you that I loved you and wanted you. I always wanted you to be happy, and it comforted me to know that someday you would read my letter and know just how much I truly loved and wanted you. It is not always that way with children that are placed for adoption, but I went through my pregnancy happy and believing in the future of the family that would be you, me, and your birth father. Some kids are placed for adoption because they are not wanted. It was my strongest desire that you learn at an appropriate age, just how much I loved and wanted you, but was faced with a difficult decision based on circumstances. You may have grown up not knowing how much you were loved or wanted by your birth mother, and I’m truly sorry to learn that was the case.

I’m touched that you opened up to me so much in your letter. It takes a bit of trust to do so, and I’m honored.”

In K’s second letter she asked to hear about my life story and I told her I was honored and wrote her a concise history about my grandma, mother, and myself with LOTS of pictures. Here’s an excerpt:

“I hope you’re head isn’t reeling too much from all of this information. I could go on and on with this letter forever because I feel like I’ve got 23 years of catching up to do with you. I don’t want to overwhelm you with too much ‘stuff’ at one time, but it’s hard not to do. There is so, so much to tell you, and pictures to share. I could just pinch myself at the realization that you and I have found each other. What a blessing and opportunity for us. I so hope that I can be a resource for you. I delight in your letters and pictures, and look forward to further communications between us.

Also, I have to get the St. Christopher's Medal sent on to her from my family friend (like a brother) Sam. The medal was given to him by my late mother in 1977 and it's been with him on all of his travels throughout the years.



Here is the letter forwarded to my daughter with the St. Christopher’s medal that Sam wrote:

I have been reading your wonderful emails about your daughter. Your story really touched my heart in so many ways. It is so uplifting to hear of you getting to know your daughter and grand daughter. It is a little sad to know how lonely and sad you were when you had to give her up for adoption. I just wish I could have been there for you. My life was crazy back then too.

I remember a special time back in December 1977, when I came home on leave (from the army). I came to visit you and your mom and I was treated better than family. Your mom gave me something very special. It was a Saint Christopher blessed in the Catholic Church. I didn't believe in Saint Christopher or the Catholic Church, but that was not the point. Someone did something unselfish for me.

I made a comment a few years after that about the medal would be longer than my wedding ring. It is now more than 30 years later, and Saint Christopher is still with me (my wedding ring is not). We have traveled to all the lower 48 states together. He was even with me during my Harley years (which I covered in 29 states).

I believe that the power of love and family now needs to be passed on. Your mother and you will always be with me, but I would like Saint Christopher to be given to your daughter (and someday hope that she pass it on to your grand daughter).

With love,

Big Brother

Sam

Christmas 2008:

In a message received last week, K talked about decorating her tree in an on-line message to me:

"I put the lights on it and my Basset hound angel tree topper I got when I was a kid. I promised my husband that I would wait until he got home to put the ornaments on. We don't have very many. This is our first X-mas at our house. We usually spend it with my mom and visit his relatives."

February 3, 2009 - My Birth Daughter is an AMAZING young woman!

The meeting at the adoption letter to read and discuss K’s latest letter went well. K and the agency were very concerned about how I would react to the letter and wanted me to have support. It was a difficult letter that they didn’t JUST want to mail to me, but wanted me to have someone with me when I read it.

There wasn't anything in the letter that I wasn't prepared for. I already knew (because she and I are members of the same site and 'friends' on that site) that she had been re-adopted as a child. I just didn't know the whole story.

All I can say is that my birth daughter is an absolute AMAZING young woman, and I'm in awe of her. She is so wise, kind, loving, and forgiving at the young age of 23. She is INDEED a survivor (considering her childhood) of a childhood that was NOT the fairy tale ending that I had hoped for her.

I feel honored, blessed, and privileged that she has reached out to me. The sadness in my heart for the last 23 years wondering how that baby girl that I loved so much, had turned out has been lessened a tiny bit.

As a mother herself, she feared hurting me with the knowledge of what she endured as a child. I on the other hand am in absolute awe of her as the loving person, wife, and mother that she became in spite of her rocky beginnings.

She's tired and a bit overwhelmed with this pregnancy. It doesn't help that her daughter (my grand daughter “A”) is having some behavioral problems (probably because she's having some adjustment issues with the realization that she's not going to be the baby anymore).

She LOVED all of the pictures in the last letter, and she LOVED the St. Christopher's Medal. Her EXACT words:

"I was also touched that you would give me the St. Christopher medal. I am not a religious person, but I understand the significance of the gift."

She is such a sweet caring young woman, and I'm touched by her kind words to me in this letter.

She answered by question about her height. She apparently is not tall like I am! She's only 5'4". She's got a sense of humor about my wish for this baby to be born on Evan's birthday (18th of March). She said there's NO way she's going to let this pregnancy go past the due date of March 14th!!!!!!!!!

She said some nice things about Evan (which I shared with him today).

She closed the letter by hoping that I enjoy the pictures, having a Happy New Year, and looks forward to hearing from me soon.

I pray that our 'Journey to Reunion' continues in a positive way, and that I can provide her with whatever support or friendship that she will allow me to provide.

Wow!

An Excerpt of My Reply to K (February 2009)

"I understand the demands of your time, and feeling overwhelmed as the end of your pregnancy nears. It must be particularly difficult that “A” is having some adjustment issues. You're right, her behavior is probably related to the dawning realization that mommy IS going to have a baby soon, and she won't be the baby anymore.

Sometimes kids have adjustment issues, but all in all they are generally resilient. I also have to say, that with today's internet technology I find myself doing research on every subject imaginable, so a Google search on any particularly behavior and suggestions for handling it are potentially a few key strokes away!

I'm pleased that you enjoyed the latest pictures that I sent. I LOVE learning about family history, hearing family stories, and seeing old family pictures. I've been working on my paternal family tree for more than 15+ years (although I didn't really know my biological father and he wasn't a nice person, I felt a strong desire to create a family tree for my only knowledge as well as for future generations in the family).

You stated in your letter that you are not religious. Do you consider yourself spiritual? One can be religious and spiritual or (obviously) one or the other. I'm just curious. I don't consider myself to be highly religious per se, but I am a person of Faith, consider myself to be a Christian, and spiritual as well.

K, I was completely awestruck by the strength, integrity, and hard-won life wisdom that you conveyed in your latest letter. Although our childhood difficulties were different, we both experienced profound abuse and neglect and managed to rise above it.

The amazingly, caring, perceptive, and thoughtful young woman that you are today are indeed a result of your past (both good and bad). You sound like you are a very well grounded person who is clearly focused in her cherished current life roles, particularly as a mother. You are providing a wonderful foundation for your daughter, and she is lucky to have the stability that she does with you and your husband.

I am deeply saddened by the unhappy and traumatic events of your childhood, and it's a testament to your own inner strength and resiliency that you managed to grow up to be the whole, healthy, happy person that you are today. Luckily, you did have a few life saving experiences and people that helped you reach the point you are at now. I'm nearly overwhelmed and hard pressed to convey in a letter how in awe of you I truly am. You are clearly a survivor, who rose above adversity, and despite some very traumatic experiences grew up to be the amazing young woman that you are. WOW!

Putting your life story to paper must have been an extremely difficult experience, and I hope it was cathartic for you. I find writing to be very therapeutic. You can see where you were, what you endured, and what you have become - all of that helping you to realize that you turned out okay, and that you are in a good place in life.

I was so deeply moved by your evidenced kindness to me with your hesitation to share because you didn't want me to blame myself, or hurt me with the reality of your past traumatic experiences. I'm struck by this Kendra that you allowed me to see, a caring woman who doesn't show hatred or resentment, but instead shows understanding, compassion, and forgiveness. You truly are remarkable!

I am touched too, that you have trusted me enough to share your life story, and confide in me as you have done. I cannot begin to convey to you how much peace you have provided to my heart. It is profoundly sad that you endured what you did, as I imagined the perfect childhood for you, that you did not experience. However your Aunt and Uncle who became your adoptive parents, are a blessing and I will forever be grateful that they gave you the love, support, and care that you deserved.

I'm glad you love being a mom, and you clearly are a wonderful mother. I'm excited for your soon to be new addition.

Despite your being overly tired with this pregnancy, and feeling a bit overwhelmed generally, I hope that your New Year is wonderful, and I too look forward to hearing from you soon, with the next chapter of your story.

Thank you for trusting in me, by sharing this difficult part of your life story. I'm sure it wasn't easy to write about, and it means a great deal to me that you did."

I’m just so amazed at the paths that our lives take.